Every day I have to remind myself--
I can choose how I react to this!
When the kids have a blueberry fight in the kitchen and then walk through the fallen berries, I can choose how I react.
When I am sleep deprived and the kids insist on going 90 miles an hour all day at top volume, I can choose how to react.
The sad fact is that it took me more than 30 years to figure this out. I thought that people upset me, made me angry, and my reaction was just the inevitable response to those events. I kind of thought about emotional reactions like a scientific, chemical reaction--like mixing an acid with bleach is always going to create a toxic gas. I have learned though that our emotional reactions are nothing like a chemical reaction. With our emotions, we may experience the same event 50 times and have 50 unique reactions. The really awesome part is that we can actually CONTROL how we respond--our response is not determined by the events that make up the experience.
Up until I had kids, I was a relatively calm person. I think because of my natural calmness I had never needed to learn that I could control my reaction--I pretty much reacted appropriately and calmly to most things. But then kids came along and eventually that calm exterior began to crack.
On the up side though since I am learning this with my kids, I have a whole lot of empathy for them!
Teach yourself or your child to exercise self-control and prevent a meltdown
Well that is all good and great to talk about how you can control your reactions and that you can teach your kids to control their reactions. But HOW?!? In the heat of the moment, it can be hard to overcome the natural anger. Here are a few of the things that have worked for me to help me learn to control my temper and techniques I use with my kids to prevent tantrums and meltdowns and to help them learn to control their reactions.
Get Some Sleep: It doesn't matter if you are 2 or 42, if you are overly tired, you will not be able to effectively control your temper or control your reaction to frustrating events. Sleep is critical for a happy home. You need 7-8 hours of sleep a night. And your child probably needs a lot more sleep than you think. WebMD has done a great job summarizing how much sleep kids need from birth through age 18.
If you have an infant or a young child, I highly recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. This was an eye opening book for me on the importance of sleep for kids. Make a good nights rest a priority for your whole family--you will have a much calmer family in return!
Eat Something: This is especially important for younger kids. A hungry kid is a cranky kid. But this also applies to us moms too. Watch yourself, I personally get very cranky if I get overly hungry. If your child starts melting down for no apparent reason or you start snapping at every little thing, remind yourself to think of the last time you ate. When was it and was it a meal/snack that wasn't going to cause a sugar crash? Now go eat!
This is not a fun practice, especially at first. Honestly, after I have a meltdown, I just want to forget that the whole thing happened and move on. When I first noticed that I was reacting so poorly to my kids, I really didn't want to think about it. Performing any sort of self assessment of the event was like looking straight into the sun--incredibly painful. I wanted to keep up the illusion of being a mom who could calmly handle it all.
But I wasn't a mom who could keep her calm and the only way I can learn to control my reactions is to learn what caused them in the first place--I have to learn from my mistakes. The good thing is that once you start making an honest attempt to evaluate your explosive reactions, it becomes easier. With practice, you will be able to look at the situation from a more objective viewpoint and it won't be so painful. Just remember, failure to face the reality of your situation can lead to destructive patterns of behavior.
Helping our kids become self aware: The two most critical things we can do to help our kids become self aware is to 1. talk to them about their emotions and 2. talk to them about our emotions. Just talking about how they feel and their responses to their emotions will help them (and you) figure out their triggers. And by talking to them about your own emotions you are modeling the self assessment process.
We need to teach them that our emotions are GOOD--even being angry and upset is OK. We are just trying to teach them to exhibit that anger and frustration in a more appropriate manner. For more on teaching your kids how to be self aware (which will help them identify what triggers their meltdowns), read this great article with 7 Strategies for Teaching Kids Self Awareness.
Do you doubt the power of self awareness or think it is hippy, dippy bologna? Self awareness is actually a critical skill for business execs and world leaders. This study of executives shows that self-aware leaders actually deliver higher financial gains for corporations.
One thing that I have done repeatedly with my kids is to have them sit down and write a list of things that they can do to calm down. The list you create isn't the most important part of this exercise. What is important is the act of talking about calming down. By sitting down and writing the list, your kids are learning that they CAN calm down and there are many ways to calm down.
My favorite calming strategies for me and the kids:
Take a time out.
Play soothing music.
Color a picture (for grown ups and bigger kids, I highly recommend coloring a Mandala. They require lots of focus and attention. And they are gorgeous when you are done.)
Jump on a trampoline (a mini tramp in the house is great for this).
Take a shower or a bath.
Do the dishes.
Read a book.
Exercise or play outside.
Learning to control your emotions in the midst of craziness isn't easy. I have been working on it for years and still have a long way to go! But it is definitely worth the effort.
Set Yourself Up for Success
Before you can effectively control your emotional response, you have to take care of your physical needs. And this goes for your kids too!
If you have an infant or a young child, I highly recommend the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Dr. Marc Weissbluth. This was an eye opening book for me on the importance of sleep for kids. Make a good nights rest a priority for your whole family--you will have a much calmer family in return!
Eat Something: This is especially important for younger kids. A hungry kid is a cranky kid. But this also applies to us moms too. Watch yourself, I personally get very cranky if I get overly hungry. If your child starts melting down for no apparent reason or you start snapping at every little thing, remind yourself to think of the last time you ate. When was it and was it a meal/snack that wasn't going to cause a sugar crash? Now go eat!
Learn your Triggers
You need to get in your own head and figure out what makes you tick--we have to be self aware. Self awareness is a critical skill that we need to learn and we need to teach our children. It is the ability to know ourselves and understand why we act in certain ways. Every time you loose your temper or respond in a way that you don't like, you should sit down and think about the situation. Start looking for patterns in your responses.This is not a fun practice, especially at first. Honestly, after I have a meltdown, I just want to forget that the whole thing happened and move on. When I first noticed that I was reacting so poorly to my kids, I really didn't want to think about it. Performing any sort of self assessment of the event was like looking straight into the sun--incredibly painful. I wanted to keep up the illusion of being a mom who could calmly handle it all.
But I wasn't a mom who could keep her calm and the only way I can learn to control my reactions is to learn what caused them in the first place--I have to learn from my mistakes. The good thing is that once you start making an honest attempt to evaluate your explosive reactions, it becomes easier. With practice, you will be able to look at the situation from a more objective viewpoint and it won't be so painful. Just remember, failure to face the reality of your situation can lead to destructive patterns of behavior.
Helping our kids become self aware: The two most critical things we can do to help our kids become self aware is to 1. talk to them about their emotions and 2. talk to them about our emotions. Just talking about how they feel and their responses to their emotions will help them (and you) figure out their triggers. And by talking to them about your own emotions you are modeling the self assessment process.
We need to teach them that our emotions are GOOD--even being angry and upset is OK. We are just trying to teach them to exhibit that anger and frustration in a more appropriate manner. For more on teaching your kids how to be self aware (which will help them identify what triggers their meltdowns), read this great article with 7 Strategies for Teaching Kids Self Awareness.
Do you doubt the power of self awareness or think it is hippy, dippy bologna? Self awareness is actually a critical skill for business execs and world leaders. This study of executives shows that self-aware leaders actually deliver higher financial gains for corporations.
Find Calming Strategies
Yes, you and your child can calm your self down in the midst of a melt down. We have all heard the very trite strategy of counting to 10. But it can actually help and there are many more ways you can calm down.One thing that I have done repeatedly with my kids is to have them sit down and write a list of things that they can do to calm down. The list you create isn't the most important part of this exercise. What is important is the act of talking about calming down. By sitting down and writing the list, your kids are learning that they CAN calm down and there are many ways to calm down.
My favorite calming strategies for me and the kids:
Take a time out.
Play soothing music.
Color a picture (for grown ups and bigger kids, I highly recommend coloring a Mandala. They require lots of focus and attention. And they are gorgeous when you are done.)
Jump on a trampoline (a mini tramp in the house is great for this).
Take a shower or a bath.
Do the dishes.
Read a book.
Exercise or play outside.
Learning to control your emotions in the midst of craziness isn't easy. I have been working on it for years and still have a long way to go! But it is definitely worth the effort.
